“I’m not exactly comfortable with the descriptor ‘bisexual’ but that’s mostly because I don’t like any labels, so! When I realized I loved the soft idea of women just as much as men, it scared me. I think that was truly the first time it occurred to me.” -Rani, 26ģ. “I realized I was a bisexual when I had a beautiful polish roommate at a summer program when I was 15! She would kiss people as a joke and I secretly hoped she would try to kiss me. Nothing ever happened between us, but it was the moment that made me start reframing how I saw myself, and start realizing that part of the reason I felt so safe in queer spaces was because *I* was queer.” -Kaela, 34Ģ. The fact that she was wasn’t a cis man was almost less of a surprise than feeling that kind of spark during happy hour on a Wednesday in Midtown Manhattan, frankly. Everything she said seemed so smart and so funny and I of course assumed the Negroni had just gone to my head until I got home and turned it over and realized that I’d only felt that kind of energy before when I really liked someone.
“There were some inklings and vibes for a while, but it didn’t feel like it became a fact until I was supposed to be meeting someone for drinks and found myself truly flustered for the first time in a long time. To shine some light on what it really feels like to discover your bisexuality, we spoke with 26 women and femmes who can recall a pivotal moment in their lives when they knew they were not straight. Or at least a necessary step on the path to enlightenment, or whatever it is you’re going for. But maybe all that questioning is part of the fun. That’s not to say that as a bisexual person you won’t spend hours, if not years, of your life questioning your sexuality and wondering if you really are one thing or another-gay, straight, or maybe something else entirely. “You are bisexual, whether you are in a relationship or not.” “You are bisexual not because of who you’re dating,” she says. If someone questions your bisexuality based on who you’re dating, Johnson recommends you drop them like a hot potato. In January 2020, the American Psychiatric Association cited a 2017 study that found bisexual people are more likely to hide their sexual orientation than gay men and lesbians, offering a possible explanation as to why bisexual people experience disproportionate stress and anxiety. Johnson says bi-erasure is “deep-seated in our society,” and “denies the existence of a very real sexual orientation, invalidating people's feelings and experiences.” Unfortunately, this can lead to serious mental health issues. That mismatch of feelings can sometimes contribute to hostility or disbelief from others about a bisexual person’s true desires, or whether their sexuality is “just a phase” (eye roll) or an attempt to be “trendy” (double eye roll). Where things can get murky, though, is when those feelings for multiple genders don’t occur simultaneously, in the same way, or to the same degree, which Seattle-based relationship, intimacy, and sex therapist Claudia Johnson says is very common. If you're looking for a general definition of what it means to be bisexual, the Human Rights Campaign defines it as feelings of romantic or sexual attraction to more than one gender (meaning it could be more than two!). So there aren’t exactly rules about what makes a person bisexual-you just sort of know it when you feel it. It doesn’t fit neatly into categories or binaries, but instead, transcends them. The thing that makes bisexuality great is also what makes it kinda tragic: Bisexuality is subversive and hard to pin down, which means it’s sometimes hard to actually see. (It is endearing how we never shut up about being bisexual!) But behind our constant need for affirmation is a a feeling of invisibility, and a fear that if we don’t consistently keep “coming out,” a portion of our identity will be lost to assumptions rooted in heteronormativity. We’re constantly the targets of bullying from both members and non-members of the LGBTQ+ community.
Bisexuals are the punching bags of the gay internet.